As you could know I used to make a programme known as Prime Gear. Now I simply grasp round the home doing nothing. A good friend whose identify begins with R and ends with ichard Hammond says he used the down time to coach his canine and that now his canine hates him. Which now makes the canine very like everybody else. If I needed to die, I might take up golf, however as an alternative I’ve determined to make one other TV programme. One that’s a lot the identical because the final one, besides it will likely be watched by fewer folks.
Which brings me again to the Elgin Marbles which the Greeks are bleating at us to return. I’m sorry however I might be all for giving them again if Johnny Greek confirmed any indicators of having the ability to deal with them correctly. Put them again and so they’ll be a pile of rubble in days. Give it some thought. If solely we’d dismantled Palmyra stone by stone and erected it in Milton Keynes subsequent to the cows then not less than the Syrians wouldn’t have been capable of destroy it for themselves. Most nations can’t be trusted with their very own historical past.
Which brings me again to train. I did 10 minutes on the treadmill the opposite day and virtually died of boredom. If it’s all the identical to you, I’d slightly keep on smoking and simply let bits of my physique fall off at random. The proper method of dropping pounds with no effort. And one other factor. Why are papers just like the Guardian all the time happening about ladies and the menopause? Frankly who cares? And why don’t folks write as an alternative about fats middle-aged males having a mid-life disaster, getting divorced and dwelling on their very own? That’s the actual tragedy.
Which brings me again to yesterday morning after I was driving in to London from my farm within the Cotswolds after I acquired caught in a visitors jam. All as a result of some thoughtless bike owner had acquired entangled underneath a lorry. I imply the man was clearly useless, so why not simply dump him in a skip and preserve the visitors shifting slightly than make half of London late for work? I used to be in Johannesburg final month and there have been three black guys who had been shot mendacity by the aspect of the street and the white policeman simply waved everybody previous. It was no huge deal. Say what you want in regards to the results of apartheid, however they know find out how to preserve the visitors shifting.
Which brings me again to Scotland. What’s the level of Scotland? Each time I’ve been there it’s both been tipping down with rain or teeming with midges. And when you find yourself there, there’s completely nothing to do. Zilch. Nada. The identical goes for New Zealand. Which is why after you’ve shagged a number of sheep all anybody can consider to do is throw themselves off bridges whereas connected to a bit of elastic. If we actually wish to do one thing in regards to the refugees disaster, we should always simply broadcast Scottish vacationer promos on Syrian TV after which everybody would resolve to remain put.
Which brings me on to David Bowie. Why is nobody allowed to say they weren’t that bothered when he died and would a lot slightly hearken to the Doobie Brothers? It’s the identical type of bonkers political correctness meaning nobody is allowed to say they like David Cameron and Rebekah Brooks. Dave is a superb bloke with a spouse that everybody desires to shag. What extra might you need from a primary minister? I used to be chatting to him the opposite day about how onerous it’s to know what color wine to drink. Purple provides you a face the color of bouillabaisse, white wakes you up at 3am with a headache and rosé turns you right into a pouf.
Which brings me on to the referendum. Clearly nobody I do know voted to go away the EU however then such as you I don’t know anybody from Barnsley or Stoke. Clearly it’s all going to finish in tears. Personally I blame folks with cats. And computerized number-plate recognition cameras. And sandal carrying, Guardian studying cyclists who wanged on about there being nothing unsuitable with the Hun. If we’re not cautious we’re going to finish up with Boris Johnson. A person with an excellent greater mid-life disaster than me. Why does nobody write in regards to the male mid-life disaster? Each function is in regards to the menopause and the way it makes you a lesbian. What’s to moan about?
Which brings me again to the truth that it’s January and I’ve acquired nothing to put in writing aside from to rehash final January’s column about how I hate train, love smoking and am making a brand new programme whose identify nobody can keep in mind. Nonetheless not less than it’s going to get me in a foreign country. You wish to know why Britain voted to go away the EU? I’ll let you know. It was as a result of soccer followers acquired sick of being informed it was racist to sing songs about Romelu Lukaku having a giant todger. I’d find it irresistible if somebody sang about my todger. However the PC followers of Beardy Corbyn gained’t permit it.
Which brings me on to David Attenborough. Who isn’t sick of him happening about local weather change? If the namby pamby coral is discovering the ocean temperature too sizzling in Barbados then why doesn’t it transfer to Morecambe? And don’t get me began on the well being and security killjoys of bonfire evening. If we had been to explode Hull, we’d be doing everybody a favour.
Which brings me on to Alexa. The web is taking up our lives. Lately all it’s a must to do is shout, “Alexa, kind me out a Jeremy Clarkson e-book that sounds a lot the identical as all the opposite ones” and you find yourself with one thing like this.
Digested learn digested: If solely you’d give us a break …